O-Line Region: (4) Kurt Hammerschmidt v. (5) Oni Omoile
Bid: At-Large (MST3K Manly Name Division)
Slab Bulkhead! Punt Speedchunk!
Flint IronStag! Kurt Hammerschmidt!
Brick Hardmeat! Thick McRunFast!
There are names, and there are manly names. And then, there's Kurt Hammerschmidt. Hailing from Chesterfield, MO (The manliest of all the "-field" cities) Kurt played on both sides of the ball and earned accolades as both a Defensive End (1st team All-State) and a Tight End. (2nd team All-Conference).
Kurt was suspended for most of the 2009 season after getting busted for a DUI. In 2010, he scored his first touchdown ever (High School included) in last year's real-life NCAA Football 2011 re-enactment with Texas Tech. With the departure of last year's starter, Colin Franklin, Hammerschmidt will likely be competing with Ricky Howard and fellow Eponymous competitor Ernst Brun, Jr for the starting Tight End spot.
#77 Oni Omoile - OL
6'3" 280 lbs. Fr
Bid: Automatic (Named-After-Mythological-Creatures Division)
Ratio of Vowels to Consonants: 2 to 1
"Oni" is the Japansese term for "Demon" or "Devil." That alone would qualify him for the competition, even if he didn't pick up a ton of "Engineering School Cred" (read: Geek Cred) for also sharing a name with one of the most underrated PS2 games of all time, and the publishing company responsible for releasing Scott Pilgrim into the world. (Oh, and if that wasn't enough, he's majoring in Computer Engineering.)
It's a name that really has it all. Alliteration? Check. Ridiculous ratio of vowels to consonants? Check. High probability that some Fox Sports announcer will mis-pronounce his last name? Check. But what about the player behind the name?
Omoile is a 3-Star O-Line recruit out of Texas, and has apparently been clocked at 4.7 seconds in the 40. That's pretty damn fast for an offensive lineman. He's projected to red-shirt this year, but we won't know for sure until the depth chart is released this fall. He turned 18 last Thursday, so I'm sure the jersey chasers will be beating down his door any time now.
*Late summer in the Jack Trice Stadium parking lot. The upperclassmen are watching the new recruits arrive at the stadium for the first time. Kurt Hammerschmidt grins as a heavily modified Honda Civic pulls up.
Damn, that's one tricked out Civic you've got there. Mind if I take her for a spin?
No way, man. They warned me not to let you behind the wheel. Coach says he can't afford to lose you for another season.
Aww, damn. Didn't know they were still upset about that.
Don't worry about it man. Honestly, it's mostly just cosmetic improvements anyway. I left the original motor and transmission in so it still gets great gas mileage when I have to drive back home to Texas.
Texas? I thought you were from San Fransisco?
Hell No! I was born and raised in Coppell, Texas! What gave you the idea I'm from San Fransisco?
Because you're driving a Ricer, Oni.