The XII Stages of Grief

Iowa State is in a strange place right now. Two of our old Big 8 rivals have already left, and a third is looking for the escape hatch. Moneyed interests continue to destroy old rivalries and the continued future of our conference is constantly in question. So much money is being dumped into college football at this point that we're actually considering paying the players. What could a small agrarian and engineering University with a middling to terrible at times football team possibly offer this brave new world order of super-conferences?

Now some people will tell you the sky is falling and others will tell you that the Big XII will live forever and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But emotions are getting somewhat high, and to understand some of these heated statements it's important to remember the five stages of grief. (If you remembered that as the Kubler-Ross model, you probably spent way too much time in Lagomarcino Hall.)

(There might be a little profanity hidden behind the jump. Consider this your warning in case you browse from work.)

1. Denial

This is the stage that most Cyclone fans are at, and it makes sense to be here - for all intents and purposes, the conference will continue on for a few more years at least. The fan who stays in denial and is proved correct has been saved the ignominy of being a crazy doomsayer. I truly hope that I am proven wrong and the Big XII carries on with very few hitches, but try to be patient with your fellow Cyclone fans as more of them hit the next stage.

2. Anger

WHY ARE THE ASSHOLES SO MUCH BIGGER IN TEXAS? GOD DAMN STUPID BUNCH OF NO GOOD SHIT-KICKING REDNECKS WHO FETISHIZE THE MILITARY AND SLOBBER ON THEIR SISTERS AFTER TOUCHDOWNS ARE GOING TO FUCK UP THE GOOD THING WE GOT GOING HERE? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO BUILD A GOD DAMN BONFIRE!

*turns head*

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT, MIZZOU?

3. Bargaining

Alright, Don't Panic. Um... Hey! Big Ten! You know how you need quality AAU schools to act as a counterbalance to your expansion east in the superconference era? We come built in with an in-tact in-state rivalry, we flat out hate us some Minnesotans (seriously, they killed the guy we named our stadium after), and we're a land-grant institution to boot! Sure, we don't bring squat for new TV revenues or really any sort of monetary or prestige benefit, but we would be willing to take a smaller slice of the pie anyway - we're used to it by now anyway! How do you feel about wrestling dynasties? Please? ...Mr. Delany?

Hello?

Crap.

*Dials Phone*

Hello? Big East?

4. Depression

*Sigh.* Hand me another beer.

This is just like the Jim Walden era all over again.

5. Acceptance

Well, at least we'll be able to see a lot of nationally televised games, right? Sure, they might be on Tuesday or Thursday nights, but that just means college football fans will have to watch us to get their daily fix! Besides, we can totally bring back the old Cyclone logo helmets and not seem out of place, can't we?

 

But hey, it could be worse! At least we haven't been busted with Hookers and mansions and yachts and even more hookers, right?

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