Completely Arbitrary Big XII Power Rankings - Queen Songs Edition

freddie

Thanks to Google's 65th Birthday Tribute to Freddie Mercury, I've had "Don't Stop Me Now" stuck in my head for the better part of a week. Thus, the weekly Big XII Power Rankings are taking on a bit of a Mercurial slant. 

1. Oklahoma - "We Are the Champions"

Sure, it's the obvious, campy choice. But you know what? Oklahoma is a campy, obvious #1 choice. Bad Mistakes? They've made a few. But they looked every bit like a championship team in dispatching Tulsa, 47-14. Bob Stoops wins yet another pre-season rankings championship.

2. Baylor - "Don't Stop Me Now"

I'm Gonna Go, Go, Go!
There's no stopping me!
I'm burning through the Frogs
Three Hundred Fifty Yards
That's why they call me Mr. Heis
I'm scoring at the speed of light
I wanna make a Superconference with youuuu

Beat the only quality team in week 1? Prove you can hang with the defending Rose Bowl Champions? The Bears earned this spot. They may not have a defense. For now? They don't need one.

3. Texas A&M - "Radio Ga Ga"

Let's hope you never leave old friend
Like all good things on you we depend
So stick around cos we might miss you.
When we grow tired of all this visual
You had your time, you had the power
You've yet to have your finest hour

4. Oklahoma State - "Killer Queen"

You just know that Crazy Rich alumnus Boone T. Pickens keeps a bottle of Moet de Chandon in his pretty cabinet. He's dynamite with his laser money beam. And the blaze orange uniforms are guaranteed to blow your mind (and melt your eyes out of your head. The curse of HD.) No one can deny that Oklahoma State is REALLY good this year. I'm not entirely convinced that they aren't better than A&M, but giving up 34 points to U-LA-La makes me question the defense a bit. A win against Arizona tonight would prove me wrong.

Edit: In the time it took to write this, Oklahoma State has completely curbstomped Arizona for a half. They'll be moving up the list be next week.

5.  Missouri - "We Will Rock (M) You"

Mizzou essentially did the same thing that we did last week, except that they did it against a respectable MAC team. Sophomore QB James Franklin took the reigns of the Tiger offense from Blaine Gabbert, thus likely breaking the decade long span of NFL caliber quarterbacks that started with Brad Daniels back in '02. Doesn't matter - they still stand to come out the best out of all the Big XII north refugees. Franklin struggled for much of the game, but made the necessary plays when it counted to win, 17-6.

The mud on their face matches the Big 10's three-yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust style perfectly. The big disgrace might be their lackluster 11 point win over Miami (OH), but Indiana straight up lost to a MAC team so I don't think it will be held against them. Enjoy the Big 10, Mizzou.

6. Texas Tech - "You're My Best Friend"

Yep, that's a Texas reference. With A&M's defection, Texas gets to play the role of "The other Texas school moving with Texas." Of course, it doesn't work if the Longhorns go independent, but as of right now they're sitting pretty in the grand re-alignment scenario. Are they the "10-9 against an FCS school" team we saw in the first half? Or the 41-0 ass whuppin' that

7. Texas - "I Want it All"

I want it all
I want it all
I want it all
And I want it now

Texas wants to be in a superconference, but they want to bring their network with them. There's a chance they could get it, if they allowed Texas Tech to be folded in and made it one of the regional networks in a Pac-16 type scenario. As for now? It's just a sticking point in any potential conference negotiations.

A 30-9 beatdown of Rice would have normally earned them a tie with Texas Tech, but then they got straight trolled by the Rice Marching Band at halftime.

8. Kansas - "Pain is So Close to Pleasure"

I'm not sure they're really better than the two teams below them, but they handled their week 1 cupcake without making the same mess that they did last year. They also did not need a late touchdown drive to defeat their 1AA foe, so they climb out of last place... for now.

9. Kansas State - "Under Pressure" (feat. Bowie)

Pressure
Pushing down on me

Pressing down on you
No man ask for
Under pressure
that burns a conference down
Splits the regents in two
Sad Wildcats on streets

Bill Snyder, the thin white duke of Kansas State football, is really what makes this team great. Kansas State could really use an above average season this year to cement their place next to Kansas in the new superconference era. They needed a late score to beat their 1-AA opponent 10-7, but sometimes with a lot of new offensive personnel it takes a game or two to get things under control. I suspect this team is better than their first game suggests, but it will be interesting to see what Bill Snyder can coax out of this team.

10. Iowa State - "Bohemian Rhapsody"

Big East: I see a little re-alignment rock the land
Jamie Pollard: SCARAMOUSH! SCARAMOUSH! Will you accept the Tornado?
Baylor: WITH LAWYERS WE ARE FIGHTING! RE-ALIGNMENT'S FRIGHTENING ME!
Texas: Pac-12, Hello!
Tech: (Pac-12 Hello!)
OU: (Pac-12 Hello!)
OSU: (Pac-12 Hello!)
Pac-12: Longhorn Network's a No-Go
Texas: So Indy we Go-oh-oh-oh-oh
ISU: I'm just a poor school, nobody loves me
Iowa: HE'S JUST A POOR SCHOOL, UNIFORMS' UGLY

ISU
: SAVE US A SPOT IN THE MWC
*piano tinkles*
ISU: Big East come, Big East Go. Will you let me know?
Baylor: HELL NO, WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO
A&M: Let us go!
ISU: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
A&M: Let Us Go!
K-ST: WILL NOT LET YOU GO
A&M: Let us go!
Kansas: WILL NOT LET YOU GO
A&M: Let us go!
Baylor: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
SEC: Oh Dan Bebee-ah, It's Mike Silv-e, A&M must be let go
Tech: Re-Alignment stuff has a conference set a side for me....
OSU: For Meeee.....
ISU: We'll Seeeeeeeeeee?

*EPIC GUITAR RIFF AND HEADBANGING ENSUE*

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